Sixteen Again
Disclaimer: I don’t believe in writing blog posts in order to meet a deadline, especially when the posts are meant to minister to people. I received a couple of emails last week asking the questions: “How do you create content that makes you different from other bloggers?” and “How do you choose how often to post?”
My answers are simple because I don’t think about either. If I were to have a set routine on how/when I posted content it wouldn’t be authentic. Now don’t get me wrong, I understand the science behind blogging and social media and there are definitely principles on how to create a successful blog, but I do it a bit differently. I measure the “success” of my blog by the level of obedience in my posts. I don’t focus on making it “relevant” I just write what God tells me to.
I could care less about the analytics. I’m very sensitive to not just put out random content. This is a Christian blog and I could very easily give you an encouraging word with some scriptures every week, but if God hasn’t placed anything on my heart then I’m not going to give you a “filler word”.
With that being said, I have been praying a lot about the direction of the blog and transparency is still a key factor. Over the past few months God has been having me backtrack into past hurts in order to find true healing. For many years I believed that I had been healed from thing like bitterness and anger, but I wasn’t. With time it had turned into unhealthy habits. LESSON: Time doesn’t heal wounds it develops them. For years I was harboring old hurts I had swept under the rug and labeled as “Healed”.
Not until recently I read an old journal of mine and started to see some of the entries that I had written from over seven years ago. Anger and bitterness filled my heart as I read through my old writings.
I was mad about my parent’s divorce. I was bitter because I felt like I had to go through it alone. I was fearful because I couldn’t see a bright future ahead and angry because I thought that God had forsaken me.
Tears filled my eyes and I started to remember what it felt like to be sixteen again.
Around that time my parents were struggling financially to keep me in school. I never knew just how bad it was until one day my dad picked me up after classes and told me he was going to start working as a janitor at my school to help pay for tuition.
My heart dropped.
I was just getting over the pain of my parents being divorced and now I had to deal with the humiliation of having my dad clean the toilets at my high school. Nothing could be worse. I would walk down the hallways in a cold sweat hoping that I wouldn’t see him on the way to my next class. He use to tell me about times that he would hide behind doors when he would see my friends walking by because he didn’t want them to make fun of me.
Mind you, this is at a point in my life when I still didn’t even like my dad! Now I look back and realize the sacrifice my dad made for me to be comfortable. My dad’s selflessness during those years will forever be an example of God’s heart for me. I couldn’t see it then, but now I am grateful.
At sixteen I was embarrassed of my pain. I wanted to be like everyone else. I hardly talked to God at this time because I was confused with our relationship. I didn’t know why He allowed my family to go through so much hurt and pain.
Instead of giving Him all of my brokenness, I journaled about it. As I read the old entries I realized that all of those emotions watered down were still very much alive in me. My heart immediately reconnected with every word that I had wrote back then and in the midst of crying God said to me-
“I remember every tear that you cried back then.”
I was floored. Honestly my first thought was, “God you remember that? It was so long ago!” I cried out to God wondering where was all of this coming from? He then gave me a revelation that even though I had forgotten about it and labeled it “Healed” --He knew the truth.
At first I was irritated. I thought I was done with the hurt that happened in that season, but God wasn’t. He knew that bringing light to those dark places was the beginning of true freedom. I started to understand how much God must truly love me! Even though I was embarrassed of my pain and shut God out from those places He was there the entire time.
He remembered every tear and even though I was over it, He went back into my past to reminded me that He wanted me whole. He loves me enough to not let me pass over my broken places. He is a God of healing and true deliverance.
There are no hidden places in Him.
“Eternal life is in him, and this life gives light to all mankind. His life is the light that shines through the darkness—and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
I encourage you not to be afraid of your dark places. Once you let God in, don’t get freaked out when things from your past start coming to the surface. God wants you whole and in order for that to happen you must be honest about your B.C. (Before Christ) experiences.
With Love,
