Seasons of Singleness
Hello Beautiful People!
This year the Lord has been dealing with me heavily on being more transparent in my blog posts. One thing that I have been working on is opening up my heart and being able to talk about real situations that have happened in my own life. There's a level of vulnerability that comes with that kind of writing that I have been really hesitant to. However, I realize that there is freedom in truth (good or bad) and God loves it when we share our testimonies! So with much push from The Holy Spirit this is my story on singleness.
My first major relationship was during my junior year of high school. My parents were in the middle of finalizing their divorce and my heart was a mess. I would constantly look to my boyfriend as a security blanket. This is the time when all my daddy issues were on full display. I would hang out with him and his family just about every day. Whenever I was with him I felt like I didn't have to deal with all of the drama that was in my own home. My heart was broken and I had no intention on talking to Jesus about it because I was so hurt. I would go to church, but I never wanted to be there. I felt like everyone knew about my family's issues and every time they saw me they thought about how horrible I must be feeling. It was like living in a fishbowl. My parents kept going to the same church after they split up so that made it even harder. Sunday mornings were filled with fear of maybe seeing my dad while at service and having to awkwardly walk away and sit with my mom in another section. The family was broken and none of us could hide it. In those moments of vulnerability I went to my boyfriend. I told him everything and entrusted him with a piece of my heart that should have been given to God. Honestly, I feel like I was more attached to him than he was to me. He was the first person I had ever kissed, the first guy I ever said "I love you" to and my first heartbreak.
Let me first state that my love language is physical touch. Hand holding, kissing, hugging and any kind of physical signs of affection make me feel emotionally close in a relationship. So once we started kissing it was pretty much the only thing I wanted to do. It was a way to fill the void of emotional instability, but still I never felt satisfied. I was constantly testing my boundaries with how far was too far without actually having sex. So when we broke up I felt like a part of me went with him. Some people can kiss tons of people and not feel anything. For me, it means much more because of the way that I receive love. God made me to be an affectionate person, but back in high school I didn't know that. I thought every girl was wired the same. I didn't know that premature actions could lead to such heartache. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest and in that moment of desperation I went to God. I knew that was what I should have done in the first place, but not until I was at my lowest point did I finally ask for help.
After my first heartbreak it was time for college. The summer before I went to ORU I was in a very vulnerable place. I was about to move away from home, had just gotten out of my first relationship and was terrified about my future. I had no idea what college was going to be like and I had no one to hold on to but God at that point. I was just starting to go to Him in my times of confusion and stress. Then came Mr. Fallback. About a month before I started school at ORU I started talking to this guy who I had known since I was little. Never really thought anything about him, but he started saying all the right things at the wrong time and it was a wrap. I was still broken from my previous relationship and I thought "Maybe, this is who God had for me all along. He came right in the middle of my storm and is such a great guy. Thanks, Jesus!". I was so wrong. I still believed that a guy had the power to rescue me from my problems. I didn't yet know that God does not throw broken people into relationships in order for them to be healed of brokenness. I was really lost and I now know that the devil was trying to use that "summer fling" as a way to get me off track and take my focus away from the season that I was about to walk into. That fling lasted about a month and a half and once I got to college I hardly thought about him. I was in a new state with new people and new experiences to be had so I wasn't hung really up on the guy from back home.
After that ended I tried to recommit myself to singleness (AGAIN). I wanted to see what God had for me at ORU and my main focus was to have fun and enjoy college. I got there and was super pumped about my new life as a college student. As soon as I stepped foot on the campus I knew that God had something special for me in Tulsa. Like I've said before in previous blog posts, Tulsa was a huge place of growth for me. With high hopes and a heart of expectancy, I started my time at ORU getting to know people and figuring out the lay of the land. One month into my first semester there came "Mr. Right". In my head he was everything a girl could want in a boyfriend; sweet, encouraging, had a huge heart for God and loved me like no other guy I had ever talked to. He seemed to have it all together. His heart was in the right place, but I still didn't know who I was. I jumped at the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone who I thought had their life together, in hopes that it would maybe rub off on me.
The problem was that I had never given myself time to heal from my previous heartbreaks! I jumped from relationship to relationship and never gave God time to remove all the junk from my heart. I was half a person in a relationship that required two whole people. I remember watching him going hard after the things that God had put on his heart to do and I felt like I still didn't even know what my purpose was! One thing that I can say about that relationship was that it awakened a hunger for purpose in my life. I tried to be a supportive girlfriend, but it was hard to support someone when I knew that God had put things on the inside of me that had still yet to be unlocked. I learned that I would never be a good girlfriend without taking the time to figure out who I was in God first.
We dated for over a year and a half and my heart kept drawing further and further away from the relationship. Even though I felt super convicted about my love life, God was speaking heavily to me in that season. I was learning to know Him for myself and even though I had a boyfriend, I started to make an effort to bring God into every part of my life (even the messy parts). I realized that a guy couldn't take the place of God and I needed to start seeking Him just as much as I did my boyfriend. I would talk to God all the time about my future because I felt so distant from my purpose. During this time, my boyfriend was starting to notice that something was a bit off in our relationship. I wasn't as excited about things as I use to be and I never wanted to hang out. I was tired of wasting my time and I wanted to see God for myself. God was beckoning my heart more and more towards Him! He was jealous of the attention that I kept giving other men and He was doing everything in his power to win my heart. Over winter break I heard God tell me to leave ORU and from that point on he freed me from anything and everything that I had attached myself to in that season; even my relationship with "Mr. Right". God was asking for all of me, not just fragments. I had finally given Him a solid YES.
I have now been single for over two years and I can honestly say that it has been the best decision of my life. You may be wondering why I say it was a decision, but thats really all it came down to. I decided to stop entertaining guys who distracted me from my purpose. I decided to find out what God had to say about Maureé instead of allowing men to feed my emotions and tell me what they thought about me. I found my confidence in God. Not too long ago I was listening to a message from the late Dr. Myles Munroe and he made a statement that I believe is so powerful! He said that "Your married life will only be as great as your season of singleness". I now realize that I never really knew myself until I gave it all up for Him. These last two years have been a journey. I can't say that it has always been easy, but its been worth it.Instead of giving my heart to guys who had no idea what to do with it, I gave it to the one who created it. I feel like God is constantly doing open heart surgery on me and pulling out the things that were never meant to be there in the first place. I have taken the time to get to know me.That is something that all of us owe ourselves and our future spouses. Remember that you don't become whole from being with a guy or girl. Your wholeness comes from knowing who you are in Christ.
DISCLAIMER! Being single doesn't mean I don't think about my future husband. I think about him ALL the time and I pray that God is developing his heart just as much as He is mine in this season. I pray that God is preparing him for our future. However, I am content in this season of singleness. I know from experience that timing is everything with God. There's no rush. I will gladly wait on the man that God has hand picked for me :)
My prayer for you is that you too decide to wait on God's timing. He knows what you need in a mate better than you do and He's got you covered. CHILL and embrace the process of learning who you are in God.